Horrible jokes.

[OZXJR]

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"Crap" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

 

[Mattberkshire]

What's the top kids TV programme in Israel?
Scooby Jew

 

[Mattberkshire]

What have a hurricane and a woman got in common?

They both come on all wet and wild and then f*ck off with your house and car





Sorry

 

[OZXJR]

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you would get a headache".

 

[MarinaFazer]

these are great! keep em coming!

 

[OZXJR]

There was a flood in a village.

One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"

The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"

"No" replied the man. God will save me!

The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.

A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help."

No, God will save me!" he said

Eventually he died by drowning.

He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"

 

[OZXJR]

A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.

The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator.

"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.

"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.

Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"

 

[OZXJR]

One day a man was driving down the road in a hot red convertable.

He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit that hopped in front of his car.

As the man swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over.

The man got out of the car and started crying "OH-MY-GOD... OH-MY-GOD!!!!"

Just then a blonde drives up and asks him what's wrong, when he tells her she says, "Oh I can fix that."

She goes to her car, pulls out a can and sprays the rabbit with it.

It instantly comes alive and hops off, but every five feet it turns back to wave, before finally dissappearing into the forrest.

The guy is amazed and says, "how did you do that?"

The blonde just tosses him the can and drives off.

The can says "Hair Spray: Guarenteed to bring your hair back to life and create a permanent wave."

 

[OZXJR]

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
Humphreys

What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer

What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

Why do guerillas have big nostrals?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick

 

[OZXJR]

How do you know when your too drunk to drive ?

When you swerve to miss a tree and then realize it's the air freshener hanging off your rear view mirror.

 

[OZXJR]

I really need to stop now

 

[thethendi]

Superman was flying over a city one day when he looked down and noticed that Wonder Woman is lying on the top of a building, sunbathing completely naked. Superman thought to himself, "I can use my lightning fast speed and screw the hell out of her before she knows what hit her!" So he swooped down, humped like a madman, and flew off in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman got up and scratched her head. "What the hell was that?" she wondered aloud.

"I don't know, but my a$$hole sure is sore," replied Invisibleman.

 

[jsteinb95]

"What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan"


LMAO!!! :rof:

 

[OZXJR]

Mexican jokes...... cool.

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro Cinco


Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is in the US!


Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans?

Have you seen a Mexican do anything right the first time?

 

[Wolfman]

These are pretty bad....

A blonde and a Brunette are walking down the street, when the Brunette Says...."Look, there's a dead bird!"

To which the blonde looks up into the sky, and says "where?"


How many Social Workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Just One, but the light bulb has got to want to "change"!


Got lots more but they are mostly a bit naughty, or politically incorrect!

:Flash:

 

[abacall]

^^I think that's the idea. Z on that note; I heard this one the other night.
" what's black and blue and hates sex?

The five year old in my trunk."

 

[OZXJR]

^^^^:spank: :ban:

 

[Mattberkshire]

This is quite sexist so I apologise to all girls in advance...

Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?

Cos they're ugly and they smell:spank:

 

[jsteinb95]

This is quite sexist so I apologise to all girls in advance...

Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?

Cos they're ugly and they smell:spank:

That is exactly why I wear make-up!!!

I rarely wear perfume (only when I don't shower)

 

[Fred]

Sad news, folks. The Energizer Bunny is dead.

The coroner's report says that he died of sexual exhaustion. It seems that somebody put his battery in backwards, and he kept coming and coming and coming...