Horrible jokes.

[wrightme43]

WARNING SOME JOKES NOT WORK SAFE!!!!!




A young cowboy walks into the town cafe.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too

 

[sportrider]

lol I liked that one!!!:thumbup:

 

[mikebike]

looking for love

Q. Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A. Try a bookstore
.
.
.
.
.
.under fiction.

 

[mikebike]

Barbie.... too true

One day a father gets out off work and on his way home He remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have...
...Work out Barbie for $19.95,
...Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
...Beach Barbie for $19.95,
...Disco Barbie for $19.95, and
...Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks "What?! Why is Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson smugly answers "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... one of Ken's Friends."

 

[Botch]

After I got my FZ-6, my girlfriend's birthday was coming up, and I asked her what she wanted for a gift. She replied sweetly, "Something that will go zero to 154 in under ten seconds!"

So, I got her a bathroom scale.

 

[Bren]

Too much absinthe...

- Mmm... Hyachinthhh... Oi! Wait-ressshhh! Doesh a lemmmonnn hhhavVe ffheet?
- No, not that I know of, why?
- Whelll, then it mmh-ust've been a yellowhh-ammerrr I squ-sqee-squeezed in my drink!

 

[wrightme43]

Is Absinthe legal there?
If so have you drank it?
If so is it really like LSD?

 

[strike_force]

As superman is flying around the city he stops at a big commercial sign and writes : Spiderman is a dick !

The next day as he flyies around the city again he passes from the same sign and he sees a line over what he wrote and next to it : superman is clark kent!

 

[wrightme43]

An American tourist gets the shock of his life when a Mexican with a six-gun jumps out from behind a cactus.
"Take my money, take my car, but just dont kill me." he says.
"I no keel you Senoir if you dew wha I say. You unzeep your pants and start jacking off!" Says the Mexican.
Although shocked the tourist does as he is told.
"Now you do it ageen" Says the Mexican waving the gun.
His eyes bulging the Yankee protests but with the gun pressed against his nose he manages again.
"One more time Gringo, or I shoot you dead."
With sweat running down his face, he goes one last time, and falls to the ground exhausted.
"Good, Now you give my seester a ride to the doctor in the next village"

 

[gmickey2001]

Is Absinthe legal there?
If so have you drank it?
If so is it really like LSD?

No.
Yes.
No.

 

[stoggy]

There is this bar that no one ever went to because it sucked so bad. Well one day the bartender and 2 patrons are there and the most beautiful blond chick walks into the bar. This had never happened before so the bartender gets excited and asks the blond what she wants as nicely as he can. The blond says she wants a bud. The bartender hoping to get a new customer, and such a fine one, gets his cleanest napkin and his coldest bud for the blond. The blond drinks the bud and passes out cold. Several hours go by and the 2 guys in the bar start getting curious and check on her just to find out she is still passed out cold. So the take her in the back and all take turns on her.

The next day they tell all their friends about it and their friends come to check it out. So now there are like 10 people in the bar, really hoppin for this place. Well the blond comes in and the bartender asks her what she wants. She says she would like a bud. Samething happens.

The next day those 10 guys tell all their friends and they all come to check it out. So now the place is really busy there are like 50 people in the bar. The blond walks in orders a bud and passes out. Samething happens.

The next day those 50 guys tell all their friends and they all come to check it out. So now the place is packed, standing room only. There must have been 300 people in the bar. The blond walks in, and the bartender asks if she wants a bud. The blond says no ill have a miller, bud makes my pussy hurt.

 

[stoggy]

Q. Whats red and eats rocks?

A. A red rock eater.

Q Whats green and eats rocks?

A. A sick red rock eater.

 

[Bren]

Is Absinthe legal there?
If so have you drank it?
If so is it really like LSD?

Sure it's legal. Some quality (not the best one I've heard) up to 60% is being sold in every liqour store and you can order the stronger labels up to 72% via internet. I've never tried it, i don't like strong shots very much. Absinthe is not like LSD. The effective components might be closer to weed, if some comparison has to be made. But mainly it's just strong alcoholic drink.
------------------------------------------------------
And for the topic on hand:

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

- Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.

- You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. - In this country . . .we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. . .

- Hey, coola down lady, said the man. - Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

------------------------------------------------------

#1 SMART A** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005....

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I Might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!

------------------------------------------------------

SUBJECT: BREAKTHROUGH

This announcement from Apple is a breakthrough. Apple Computer
announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can
store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will
cost $499 or $599 depending on size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are
always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not
listening to them.

 

[Nelly]

The butlers Birthday

Cyril the elderly butler is taking the breakfast tray to the master of the house. Lord Fontague-Smyth. Now, Cyril has been in the service of this family for 50 years. During his time with the family Cyril has never received a gift from the Fontague-Smyth’s.
The elderly Butler quietly places the breakfast tray down and quietly turns to leave. As Cyril reaches the door the master of the house barks
“ Cyril”
“Yes sir”
“Happy Birthday Cyril”
Somewhat taken aback Cyril is speechless.
“Sir, thank you, in my fifty years service this is the first time you have ever mentioned it”.
The master replies that is not a problem and Cyril should now proceed down to the east side of the house to deliver Lady Fontague –Smyth’s breakfast. Cyril sets of down the corridor with a new spring in his step.
On reaching the east wing Cyril knocks the door and is told to enter.

“Good Morning Cyril” says lady Fontague-Smyth.
“Good morning my Lady” replies Cyril.
“Put the tray down their Cyril and come over here”
Cyril does as he is told and stands by the side of the bed. On approaching the bed the lady of the house gives Cyril a warm “Happy birthday” greeting, and tells him to strip all of his clothes off.
Cyril is slightly perturbed by this and he asks the lady of the house what she is doing.
“Cyril, it’s your birthday and I’m going to give you a dam good rogering as a present”
Cyril is then told to lie in the bed, as he does this the Lady of the house jumps on him and screws him near to death. Eventually Cyril is allowed to get out of the bed and get dressed. So with a smile on his face Cyril thanks the lady for his present and turns to leave. As he is about to go the Lady of the house says “One moment Cyril I have something else for you”. She then gives Cyril a crisp £5.00 note.
This takes Cyril aback and starts to look concerned. “What’s wrong Cyril”?
“Well my Lady, what will the Master of the house say about this transaction”?
The lady of the house replies, “Oh don’t worry about him, I spoke to him last night.” “I mentioned that it was you fiftieth birthday, in our service and we really ought to do something special to celebrate”. The masters exact words to me were “Screw him, give him £5.00”.

 

[Nelly]

Re: Horrible jokes. This one has some choice words in it not for young viewers eyes.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No fockin' way", but he crawls up
the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it"
and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

This was sent to me by my father in law a very proud Irishman.

 

[Scott64a]

Re: Horrible jokes. This one has some choice words in it not for young viewers eyes.

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the jungle?

 

[lytehouse]

gross & funny!

 

[lonesoldier84]

Re: Horrible jokes. This one has some choice words in it not for young viewers eyes.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No fockin' way", but he crawls up
the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it"
and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

This was sent to me by my father in law a very proud Irishman.

haha oh man im gonna steal this one

 

[Troubl]

Dave was dying to get into the Superbowl, but of course it was sold out. Ever since he was a boy, he had dreamed of seeing a Superbowl and he had decided he was going to see it this year. He takes a chance and finds a scalper outside the stadium and buys a ticket for $1200. Pretty expensive, but at least he was in!

So he finds his seat, and it's way up in the nose-bleed section. Looking down, he can barely see the field... it practically looks like a postage stamp. But during the 1st quarter, he noticed there was a front row seat by the 50-yard line that was empty!

So he makes his way down there and asks the guy sitting next to the empty seat, "Is anyone sitting there?"

"No, no. I've got the ticket for that seat. No one's sitting there. You can if you like."

"Wow! Thanks a lot!"

He can't believe his luck. He says to the guy, "Why didn't you bring someone with you. Why didn't you bring your wife?"

"No, she's dead."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Well, what about your father? A brother? An uncle?"

"No, they're all at the funeral."

 

[Doorag]

Is Absinthe legal there?
If so have you drank it?
If so is it really like LSD?

AFAIK It's only legal in Portugal and maybe Belgium. That's with the wormwood in it still. My wife has tried it before but wouldn't know about LSD to compare it, I don't think. I'll try some and let you know.