Horrible jokes.

A 15 year old boy walks up to his father and asks "hey dad can I have 20 bucks for a blowjob?" The father responds "depends....you any good?"


I wasn't gonna tell this one but since we had some mexican jokes thrown in there I hope its all right

whats the only thing missing from the million man march?

an auctioneer
 
Bank robber runs into the bank and demands all the money in the tills, which is duly handed over.

To cover his tracks and reduce his chances of doing time he runs up to the customer in the queue behind him and shouts "did you see me just rob this bank?"

"Yes" said the guy so the bank robber shot him in the head!

The bank robber then turns to the next customer and says "did you just see me rob this bank?"

"No" said the second customer "but my wife did and she is prepared to testify!"
 
Quote for the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'



So - if you give her crap , you will get a bucket full of ****.
 
one of sportrider's jokes;


Why did the little girl put fish in her pocket?


She wanted to smell like a big girl!
 
Why is divorce so expensive?
>Because it's worth it.

>Why is air a lot like sex?
>Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

>What do you call a smart blonde?
> A golden retriever.

> What do attorneys use for birth control?
>Their personalities.

>What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
> 45 lbs.

>What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
>45 minutes.

> What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
>Through his chest with a sharp knife.

> Why do men want to marry virgins?
>They can't stand criticism.

> Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
>Because those men already have boyfriends.

> What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

>What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
>A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

>What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
>"Are you sure it's mine?"

> Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
>Everyone has the same DNA.

>Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>Breasts don't have eyes.

>Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
>Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
> A speech impediment.

> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Offic e is flying at
half-mast?
>They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe".

> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
>A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

>Why is there no Disneyland in China?
>No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
 
Disclaimer...This one's just a bit on the "wrong" side.



Overheard a bloke talking to his mate in the R.S.L. (Returned Services League) club the other night. He was talking about how he got pinned down in a fox hole for a night by himself. In the flash of tracer and explosions he saw this hot looking girl in the hole with him and he went to her and gave it to her all night long.

His mate said, " Wow, did she give you oral?"


To which the first guy said, " Nah, she didn't have a head".:eek:




I did warn you...lol.
Cheers
Mike
 
A guy walking in the hills for the day looks down into the valley at a beautiful lake to see a girl splashing about in distress suddenly she goes under and stops moving. Without hesitation he runs down to the lake casts off his backpack and boots, dives in, swims out grabs the lifeless body and drags the poor girl to the edge of the lake. Remembering bit of first aid from TV programs he loosens her clothing and proceeds to pump up and down on her chest to rid her lungs of water. He pumped away for over half an hour amazed that lake water was still flowing from the poor girls mouth when a Land Rover from the Water Utilities Company came over the hill rolled up along side the incident.
Thank god you are here said the guy, Ive been trying to pump water from her lungs for ages do you know anything about first aid? No says the Water Utilities man but I know plenty about Hydraulics, you need to get her ass out of the lake or you're gonna empty it!
 
Staff Warning - Swearing in the Forum

Dear Members:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the forum have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some members who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented
within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going
to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
 
Three parrots are for sale.
They cost £100, £200 and £15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to
live in a brothel."
The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says,
"F**k me a new brothel!"
The woman laughs.
Her two daughters come home, the parrot says
"F**k me new prossies!" The girls laugh.
The husband come home and the parrot says
"F**k me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks".:spank:
 
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered...
...'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
 
A blonde gets a flat tire and pulls over to the side of the road. She gets out and pulls from her trunk two life size cardboard cut outs of men. The cutouts are wearing trench coats with nothing underneath and their private parts exposed. She places the cutouts facing traffic which gets immediatly backed up. Eventually a police officer approaches the blonde and says "why the h**l do you have two naked men facing traffic" to which the blonde replies.......



























"those are my emergency flashers"
 
why is trick or treating better than sex? Cause you can do the whole neighborhood and not be a slut.

why is trick or treating better than sex? If you don't like what you get you can go next door.

a new vibrator just out for women. Just before she reaches her orgasm, it cums and shuts off.
 
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.


Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch
any of the buttons on the wall.'


He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he
had promised not to touch.


Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one
labeled ATR.


Who would know if he touched them?


He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon
his bottom.


What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things
like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.


When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this
unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the
ATR button which
he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him.


'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing
the ATR button.


'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your ***** is under
your pillow.'



MEN NEVER LISTEN
 
I've got a new one. It's about Sarah Palin.

It is, in my opinion, too sick for even this thread.

If you want to hear it, PM me.
 
No offence meant to our French folks.... just thought it was funny!

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.” ‘Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
 
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