~~Daily Feed, post what made you laugh today ~~

[Botch]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp
h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

 

[trepetti]

Once again, the best comedy is in the product reviews on Amazon:

Amazon.com: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag: Grocery & Gourmet Food



:BLAA: :BLAA: :BLAA:

This is what Wikipedia says about the sweetener used in the product.

"Lycasin is a trade name given by Roquette for hydrogenated glucose syrup (hydrolysed starch).[1] One of the major components of Lycasin is maltitol, derived from the hydrogenation of maltose. Depending on the dextrose equivalent (DE) of the syrup used in the hydrolysis, a variety of products can be made, with the name "lycasin" normally being reserved for Lycasin 80/55 (a product with 75% solids and 55% hydrogenated disaccharides). The other grades (e.g. 75/60 and 80/33) are referred to as Polysorb.[2]

Lycasin's known side effects include gas, bloating, and diarrhea."

Yum
:spank:

 

[Verharen]

 

[Humperdinkel]

Ohh dear

 

[Humperdinkel]

Where's the KABOOM ?? There is supposed to be an earth shattering KABOOM

 

[oldfast007]

Botch: Once again, the best comedy is in the product reviews on Amazon:

Man, that was the best!, I hadn't laughed that hard in a l o n g time! Thanks!

 

[Botch]

"Hon, could we take that gravel road with the washboard again?"

 

[Cloggy]

:spank:





A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.

 

[ccew]

:shakehead:

This is what Wikipedia says about the sweetener used in the product.

"Lycasin is a trade name given by Roquette for hydrogenated glucose syrup (hydrolysed starch).[1] One of the major components of Lycasin is maltitol, derived from the hydrogenation of maltose. Depending on the dextrose equivalent (DE) of the syrup used in the hydrolysis, a variety of products can be made, with the name "lycasin" normally being reserved for Lycasin 80/55 (a product with 75% solids and 55% hydrogenated disaccharides). The other grades (e.g. 75/60 and 80/33) are referred to as Polysorb.[2]

Lycasin's known side effects include gas, bloating, and diarrhea."

Yum
:spank:

I discovered the similar effects with "Ice breaker sours" they use sorbitol. Be warned!

 

[Nelly]

Re: ~~Daily Feed, post what made you laugh today. Samuel L Jackson is to blame for everything ~~

made me grin:BLAA:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UceAg8nI6jk

Nelly:thumbup:

 

[2nd childhood]

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinntt County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? **** ... is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as: 'Best come-back line ever.'

 

[Ramarius]

Thought I would share this, made me laugh......sorry about the small size( I don't know how to make it bigger)

View attachment 50381

 

[Ramarius]

one more:
The Hillbilly Vasectomy.





After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"'Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

 

[Ramarius]

Last one for today....couldn't help myself:



Older Men Scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

 

[Nelly]

Posts 7-8 killed me
http://www.600riders.com/forum/usa-northeast/50905-nyc-hooligan-thing-going-viral.html

Thanks guys

Nelly:thumbup:

 

[Cloggy]

Posts 7-8 killed me
http://www.600riders.com/forum/usa-northeast/50905-nyc-hooligan-thing-going-viral.html

Thanks guys

Nelly:thumbup:

Me too

yep lots of pet ones today

 

[Ramarius]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said

they love animals .......very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into

fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

 

[Ramarius]

I think I might need sensitivity training:

.....




The wife suggested I get myself one of
those ***** enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's Betsy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last
night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for
letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from
teaching altogether."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad
that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.


I was explaining to my wife last night
that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a
different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." Then the fight started.

My wife has been missing a week now. The
police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and
asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said
we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

 

[Ramarius]

last one for tonight



A great hunting trip


Shot my
first turkey yesterday!
Scared the s**t
out of everyone
in the frozen food section.
It was awesome!
Gettin' old is so much fun...

 

[lytehouse]

Saw this in a store window while I was in Ouray this past weekend, sorry about the glare: