One of my employees gave me this...
1) Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your pay. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your finances better; so that you may buy nicer clothes therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and do not need a raise.
2) Sick Days - We will no longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.
3) Personal Days - Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year; they are called Saturday and Sunday.
4) Bereavement Leave - This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will gladly allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
5) Restroom Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
6) Lunch Break - Skinny people will get 30 minutes for lunch as the need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people will get 15 minutes to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. FAT people will get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time need to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to the Company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all question, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
1) Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your pay. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your finances better; so that you may buy nicer clothes therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and do not need a raise.
2) Sick Days - We will no longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.
3) Personal Days - Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year; they are called Saturday and Sunday.
4) Bereavement Leave - This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will gladly allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
5) Restroom Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
6) Lunch Break - Skinny people will get 30 minutes for lunch as the need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people will get 15 minutes to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. FAT people will get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time need to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to the Company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all question, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
