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my iPhone post using Tapatalk - sorry for any shpillong mishtooks i has fat fingies
 
Pavlov is sitting at a bar, enjoying a pint, when the phone rings; he immediately jumps up and shouts 'Oh ****! I forgot to feed the dog!'
 
This would never happen to me. (My wife never makes breakfast)


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing on the t-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up as I thought "I'm either still asleep, dreaming, or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a bit puzzled, I asked "What was that all about?"

She explained "The egg timer's broken."
 
A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asks.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law answers.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"This is my love dress," she whispers sensually.

"Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot


my iPhone post using Tapatalk - sorry for any shpillong mishtooks i has fat fingies
 
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