Horrible jokes.

[Smersh]

The Mexican Maid - or how to be an excellent negotiator...

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset
about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife is now increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did, did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

[Smersh]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was
a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from
school two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did
you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Wild Spring Break Videos."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him
out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[Sparkybean]

This is cleanest joke I know.

Why do gorillas get lost?
Because jungle is massive!

 

[jerdman89]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop.

 

[lytehouse]

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

[lytehouse]

A good ole boy from Carl, Georgia won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it
home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There
ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it, and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks
where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing
to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass
boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He
yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Georgia a bad
name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there
and whoop your ass!"

 

[GTPAddict]

Here's a few...

Things scientists have learned form spiders ... LiveLeak.com - Spiders on drugs

===============================================================================
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep,
but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge
forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES,
YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I f**king didn't

=========================================================================

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint -- come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks through the jungle to the river and leans over to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting and smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing the joint. He looks up and says, "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, Duuuuuuuuuude!!.......How much water did you drink?!!"

 

[lytehouse]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It only comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

New models are initially fun to own, but very expensive to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially have curb appeal (low price) but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Not expected to reach collector status...best to lease one and replace each year.

 

[GTPAddict]

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".



The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded, "Where the hell are you?"



He replied, "Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time and said 'Baby, it'll be yours one day.'?"



Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yes, I remember that my Love."



Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

 

[Pranqster]

No.
Yes.
No.

wrong:
it is legal in the states now:
Absinthe Is Back - TIME

It tastes like garbage and has no psychotropic effects. it will get you drunk if you can tolerate it. not worth it

 

[sniff6]

I thought I'd make my racing snail go faster so I took its shell off.

If anything, it's made it more sluggish.

 

[sniff6]

As a lorry driver in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his lorry cab, and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Sharon and you're losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the lorry stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his cab, and knocks on the door. The guy lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Sharon and you ARE losing some of your load."
Shaking his head, the driver ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the lorry cab door.
The driver lowers the window again and she says, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you really are losing some of your load!

When the light turns green, the driver revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of his lorry, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window and, as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm gritting the road."

 

[sniff6]

BELLY-BUTTON JEWELLERY CONTEST

FLORIDA

NEWCASTLE

..... AND THE WINNER IS?
FLORIDA :thumbup:

 

[mukulu]

Whats brown and white, and comes out of my arse most mornings?







My pet hamster

 

[mukulu]

A polish woman stows away on a ship so she can start her new life in America.
Three weeks later she is found and brought before the captain, who asks "What are you doing on my boat?"
She replies "One of your sailors is stowing me away to America. He brings me 3 meals a day, and in return I let him **** me every night"
Captain replies " Oh he's ****ing you all right, this is the Isle of Wight ferry"

 

[lytehouse]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:






Two Prostitutes - $50.00.














A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:









Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.

 

[mikw73]

Loud motorcycles are like the small p3n!5 morning announcements.

- Julius Sharpe

http://twitter.com/juliussharpe/status/169120323084627968

 

[mikw73]

So I guess no one liked that, eh? Or my quiet stock exhaust, probably...

Alright, here's one that should be funny no matter what your exhaust sounds like:
_______________

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal looks at the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[sniff6]

Who says country music is boring ............. (ya gotta look at this) this will make you SMILE and laugh :thumbup:

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16cWiWj--8E]Show Them To Me With Subtitles - YouTube[/ame]

 

[faseljd]

Name of new Whitney Houston movie, " The Bodybag". Whitney really isnt dead, she is just "Waiting to Exhale". Whitney Houston Beats Bobby Brown To Death. What is several inches long and wont be getting sucked this Valentines Day? Whitney Houston's crack pipe.