Horrible jokes.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.



His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"



"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."



"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."



"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."



Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.



"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.



"That's his mistress," says her husband.



"Ours is prettier," she replies.
 
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he
Noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
Hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled
By her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer
Look..

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The
Girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's privates.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to
Run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
Collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I
Wouldn't have a siren.'
 
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do we really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after golfing all afternoon and a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after golfing all afternoon and a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However, medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in instant death.
 
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....



Some Ahole's got my pen!'
 
I guy is walking down the street and as he goes to cross at the intersection he is hit by a bus . When he wakes up he is in hell . he waits in line with the other people awaiting judgement by the devil as the line progresses he hears Satan saying " you go into the pit of fire where you have endless torture waiting for you " but he notice's that every once and a while Satan just looks at the person and shakes his head and throws them in a pile off to one side of his chair . as his turn comes up he asks Satan just before his judgment is casted upon him . " I have to ask why are you throwing those people over there . and he answers back those people are from Seattle they don't burn very well
 
i wanna say so bad but i cant but who cares if i get caught or not heres the joke ........a cow boy riding his horse ok and hecomes across this indian whith a b0ner and cow boy he says indian "what are you doing" he said im telling time well he says ok indian what time is it indian says 2 o clock comwboy goes your right! wel he rides another mile and another indian he said you another telling time indian,indian says ya he says indian what time is it 5 o clock and hes right he goes another mile and another indian just pounding on it cow boy says what are you doing indian say im winding my clock lol
 
OK OK... sorry ladies...

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball???
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Cough-Cough-Cough-Blechhhhh!!! :innocent:
 
There was a guy who was decorating his house, but after awhile he got fed up and decided to visit a whorehouse. He went up to the madam and said, "Give me the biggest black woman that you have!"
"Go upstairs," replied the madam, "she's in the corner."
The painter goes upstairs and says to the whore, "Spread your legs as much as possible!" She does as he asks and suddenly the guy walks away.
The black woman shouts, "Is that all you wanted?"
"Yeah," the guy replied, "I'm painting my house black. I wanted to see how it would look with pink shutters!"

*Just fyi, I have black friends and am not racist!
 
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!
 
One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy.

The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blode looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark
 
What did the snail say on the back of the turtle?
WHEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Sorry in advance if your from mexico/mexican.......
How do start a parade in Mexico?
Roll a quarter down the street.

How do you find the Riches man in mexico?
Whoever got the quarter is the richest.


Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"
 
I am blonde so here we go
What do you call three blondes sitting in a row?
Windtunnel

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on teh bottom of a pool

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Winner of hide and go seek

Two blondes are driving down the freeway to disneyland and they see a sign "Disneyland Left" so they went home.

A blond a brunnete jump off a building who hits teh ground first?
The brunnete the blonde had to stop and ask for directions

How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer?
There is whiteout all over the screen
 
A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. Since he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he went down on her one last time before departing. As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, "Hey! What about my money?" The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look, and shrugged his shoulders. She said, "Come here," and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition: "has sex and gets paid"
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word "koala", and showed her: "eats bush and leaves"

What do you call a cow with one leg missing?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow that has sex with other cows of the same sex?
Ho-moo-sexual.
 
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.


'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I warned them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'



St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago...'
 
I heard this two days ago, and it's possibly the worst joke I know.

Highlight it to read it. It's really that bad.

Q: What's the worst thing about being a black jew?


A: Having to stand at the back of the gas chamber.



Fred
 
*warning a bit graphic*







a young woman went to a doctor and told the doctor, im having some problems getting my husband to have sex with me. so the docter says, does he drink anything before going to bed? she says yes a glass of water. well the doctor gives her a bottle of pills and says put these in his water and it will solve that problem.
so that night the woman is getting the water and realizes that the doctor didnt say how many. so she thinks a couple will do. then thinking she adds half the bottle thinking he will be REALLY good. then after thinking some more she says what the hell if i add the whole bottle he will be the best EVER! so she dumps the whole bottle in and goes to bed..................................................later that night the emergency 911 operator receives a call from thier son who says: please help, my mom is on the bed and can only moan, my sister isn't a virgin anymore, my butt hurts, and my daddy is laying on the floor under the bed saying "here kitty kitty!"


:spank::ban::spank:
 
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