Horrible jokes.

Silly but I liked it.

John, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking
on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to
pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.
John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila.
He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went
through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and...wasn't drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also
wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing
 
A top lawyer is out hunting when he spots a duck flying overhead. He aims his
shotgun and brings down the bird.
The duck lands in a farmer's field.
As the lawyer opens the gate to enter the field the farmer stops him and asks where he's going.
The lawyer replies "I'm going to get my duck"
Farmer. "Anything that is in my field belongs to me".
Lawyer. "You obviously don't know who I am. I'm one of the countries top litigation lawyers and whether the field belongs to you
or not, I want my duck. I could have you tied up in court for years and at great expense, so just let me have my duck".
Farmer. "We don't believe in courts out here in the country. We use a simple 3 kick rule".
Lawyer "What's the 3 kick rule?"
Farmer. "Well, I kick you 3 times and then you kick me 3 times and so forth until one of us submits. The winner keeps the prize".
Lawyer. "OK it sounds simple. How do we proceed?"
Farmer. "Just stand there and I'll go first."
He then kicks the lawyer in the groin causing him to fall to his knees. His second kick hits the stomach and third kick hits the
lawyer's ear.
It takes the lawyer several minutes to regain his breath and recover.
He stands up to face the farmer.
Lawyer. "My turn now".
Farmer. "No, it's okay. You can keep the duck".
 
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies
descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did
the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
 
Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting
and had just told them he couldn't make the camping
trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go
.After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies
Dave left to go back home to his wife.When Dave's friends started arriving
to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting in front of his bike
, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals
."How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to" was Dave's reply."When I left the meeting I went home
and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.
Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise'!"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in
a beautiful see-through negligee and she said,
"Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.
""So here I am!"
 
I don't know if this has been posted or not...but here goes anyway.....



There's an expectant father to be pacing in a waiting room at his local hospital, biting his nails and looking really very distressed.

All of a sudden to his vast relief a doctor walks out of the operating room with a baby wrapped in a blanket. "Mr. Smith?" he asks.

The father just nods.....he's speechless and tears of joy are starting to roll down his cheeks.

The doctor says, "It's a boy!" and throws it down on the floor, stomps on it and kicks it across the room.

The father looks totally mortified and just screams.

The doctor laughs and says, "April fools.....It was already dead.":eek::eek:

Cheers
Mike
 
Dunno if anyone posted this Grandpa joke yet.:D



I was packing for my business trip and my three year old granddaughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Grandpa, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Grandpa's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my granddaughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'
 
The Candy With The Little Hole: LifeSavers!!


we all have to laugh once in a while and leave it to small children to be honest


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.


The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're a$$-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
 
Last edited:
Bout time we dusted off this thread.........


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!
 
An Australian guy

is travelling around the Greek Islands.



He walks into a bar and, by chance,

is served by an Australian barmaid.

As she takes his order,



a Foster's,

she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening they get chatting.

At the end of her shift he asks if she wants

to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says 'no'.

He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world,

and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again..



Again he orders Fosters,

and after showing her plenty of attention,

asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

She remembers the payout from night before

and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again,

orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks if she pays him more attention,

maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia ....

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly,

'so am I - what street?'

'Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable’, she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished.

'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams,

'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'
.

'I know...' he says,



'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'
 
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ****ing wall."
 
An Englishman, an American and an Indian survive a shipwreck and are floating around in the sea. A shark comes along and eats the Englishman and the American but leaves the Indian. Surprised at his good fortune he asks the shark why he was spared and the shark says, 'I ate one of you guys last year and my @r$£hole is still burning...'


======================


Teacher: Little Johnny, use the word 'Harassment' in a sentence...

Little Johnny: 'Her mouth said no but her @$$ meant yes...'
 
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a
Requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
Temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it
Still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
Of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my
Faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about
Five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
 
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
:BLAA:
 
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
 
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
 
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept
through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If
you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.
 
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
 
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