~~Daily Feed, post what made you laugh today ~~

One more for tonight:


My One day employment



So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.


I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'


The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'


So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you more than once. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'



My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
 
DavesFZ said:
I don't know where you get these jokes/stories, but they sure make my day! The second opinion one was hilarious. Keep em coming!
Click to expand...

Thanks,

I have some good friends that e-mail them to me, so I thought I would share them with others. Unfortunately I cannot share them all, some are quite inappropriate:spank:
 
Shutdown.jpg
 
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Sydney, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Brisbane, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Perth, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Canberra chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
 
Could help but laugh 3:21 into clip.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_aRyECxigY]5 Best Moments in Family Feud - YouTube[/ame]
 
IN TROUBLE AGAIN



A man is sitting on the verandah with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me……….talking to the beer.”
:spank:
 
another one:


Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
 
One More....last one for tonight

MY LAST

TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
For my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the
Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it
works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's
butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
Laughing so hard.


Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
 
This is kinda bad, but soooo funny:



Man Killed On Golf Course



A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is

hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she

goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and

finally hacks it another five feet

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess

all those " F----NG LESSONS" I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should

have taken "golf lessons" instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......
 
Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning are two hearts, and a diamond.

In the end, you need a club. And a spade.

:spank: :D
 
Made me laugh anyway, obviously this works equally for male and female.

Nelly

Sent from my HTC One using Tapatalk
 
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