~~Daily Feed, post what made you laugh today ~~

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PARKING TICKET
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
 
A man was seated next to a kid on an airplane. Man: "Let's talk."

Kid: Okay, what should we talk about?"

Man (making fun of the kid): "How about nuclear power?"

Kid: "Very interesting topic. But first let me ask you a question...Horses, cows & deer all eat grass, yet a deer excretes pellets, a cow flat cowpies and a horse clumps. Why?"

Man: "I don't know."

Kid: "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear issues when you don't know sh*t?"
 
So a kid was going through his mom's purse and took out her driver's license. She caught him reading it and mildly scolded him. The kid said "But I learned so much about you from it!"

"Well, okay, what did you learn about me?"

"Well....I know your age now."

"And what is that?" asked the mother.

"You're old" says the kid. "And I learned your height."

"Which is?"

"You're really tall."

"Well, yes, I am tall, for a woman."

"And I learned your weight" he said.

"And what is that?" asked the mother.

"A lot for a woman your height."

The mother sighs and says "Well, that's not nice, but I can't argue that."

"And" the kid said, "I know why dad divorced you."

"Huh? What? How on earth did you get that from my driver's license?"

"Because you got an 'F' in sex!"
 
Just won a bottle of scotch on a coin toss- two coins with a spin and the second stopped at the back of the bottle
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my iPhone post using Tapatalk - sorry for any shpillong mishtooks i has fat fingies
 
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
 
An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:


Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
 
lytehouse said:
Cliff, I just had a flashback of your "sister" in a scarf :rof:
Click to expand...

I Remember that pic! I wonder where in the intercloud it is now?



my iPhone post using Tapatalk - sorry for any shpillong mishtooks i has fat fingies
 
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him.....wait for it.....a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
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